there's nothing about this twin numbers, actually.
twenty two. 22.
This year, 2010, is the officially year my age turn to 22.
What's so special of being 22?
most of all, the remarkable stuffs are about relationship's stuffs.
Family' stuffs. Friend's sttufs. Guy's stuffs.
Or let's say, person's stuffs.
After filling a life-graphic in one of my orientation class last month, i realize, my weakest moments in the past were always in the 'relationship with persons' area. In the other hand, the strongest part was about 'achievement' area. Yes, so that answers very much about my power yet weakness.
Once, i had mentioned, that this year, this age, was my 'people'-'person' year.
All those optimism, positive plan, faith, finally find its own lost way. Getting lost and lots of doubt, am i rite?
Yes, there are moments when i do feel dissapointed, sad, being totally lonely.
Think about the thought i dont wanna think about, "Why should end up like this? This is it? So, what's the point doing all of these if at the end, everybody just trying to think about theirselves.
"it's their free choice. human's right."
i know.
"it's ur free choice. u are taking ur human's right to do that even maybe they won't ask."
i know. i also know.
The basic thought of being sincere, being honest, are surrounded, collided with all the exactly real things now.
These kind of question, statement, even intimidation often runnin in my head.
"So Valen? See?? This is the real life. Now you regret? Feel useless? In the end, the only one you can bet is just yourself. The only one you can blame is just yourself. Don't wanna get hurt? Don't be involved in person's stuffs. Don't make any sacrification. Don't give if you won't take anything. Play the safety way. Be the safety one. Too much flying or effort to fly means, too much hurting while you fall."
All these new things suddenly attack me in a row. Come one by one, feels like never ending attack. New person i think i'm really good with, another new partners i think i've the same vision with, old persons, closest persons, many many many persons i thought as the closest persons in the world. One by one, met me in that room. Room filled with our junction of differences. Differences way of thinking, way to solve problems, way to handle relationship, way to see life, even way to understand each other. I know I'm not supposed to ask any person I'm good with to be totally same with me. I know that's the differences which will enrich me, the differences that makes us unique bla bla bla. totally understand. Time to make fault, time to say sorry, time to forgive and forget, time to go on, time to grow up, time to be mature, being mature is decision, i am the decision maker not the victim. i know, understand, and once again, know.
But, has it to be this sudden, at the almost exactly same time? Those things? These things?
I'm tired you know. I'm tired doing anything if at the end, it seems me, myself, and i alone who carry that responsibilities, or tidy the things i've done and fighted for another persons.
No, i don't expect that kind of achievement or appreciation or acceptance for others. I know my motivation.
But hey, i'm just tired if at the end, i just always to be that tired.
Maybe i change.
Maybe i have.
i don't know.
Last saturday, i attended Christmas celeberation at my hometown's church. Like our annualy tradition, at the end of this celebration we usually take a piece of paper, written random words from bible. I put the green one :), and get this words. The very very very very short and simple one.
"Bersukacitalah senantiasa." 1 Tesalonika 5: 16
and if we look further in the next verse,
16 Rejoice always,
17 pray continually,
18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Daddy, i know you are bringing me into some lessons. Maybe the newest one, the most updated one, i've never been through before. I'm glad you know the bestest thing i need, To grow up, to be better, to be my best. This may feels bad. Tears and tightness aren't my best friend. So do solitude.
So long, i get used to get along with people and good things in common. All thing seems perfect. I may not have hundreds of popular persons among my life. But i do appreciate their existence which really strengthen my life. I'm not afraid with conflicts and differences. I always think that we've had that kind of differences and still being us.
Being alone isn't my culture. I love being around people, maybe just my closest person. But things go ahead, i chose my new chapter of life. And this is it.
New things come. the uncomfortable one. the uncommon one. the hard one. the tricky one. the hurting one.
Daddy, it's not about the things i've been through until this second rite?
It's not about the good or the bad things rite?
it's about, how i deal with that, rite?
1. Rejoice always2. Pray continually
3. Give thanks in any circumstances
for what?
for God's will for me, in Christ Jesus.
*I'll keep your words along the next 2011. I promise. :*)
With Love,
Valencia Leonata
in this twenty twin -some kind of moment in the middle of nite-
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
